School meeting, tears and a soap box

It's been a long school year and it's not over yet.  I have alot on my mind.  This might be a rambling post so I will apologize for that now.

I long for the good ole days when Luke was in preschool.  He had the most AWESOME preschool teacher EVER.  I'm not saying the teacher he has now is not good, she is.  She is friendly, kind, very beautiful (according to Luke) and she does care about the children.  I'm so happy he is in her class.  I mean, she's great.  I feel like I can talk to her openly and that's a great quality for teachers to have.

Actually, Luke is not doing TERRIBLE in Kindergarten but he's not showing alot of improvement and he's not showing it fast enough.  I just got home from the first SST (I call it step on the mama's toes session) meeting and I'm mentally exhausted.  I literally left the room once in tears because a teacher was reading what I wrote about my special boy...that Luke is brave and strong, that he has been through so much in his 8 years here on earth.  He is fiercely loyal to his family, especially his "girls". 

He says that wants to marry his mama, which makes me happy and makes Emy so mad.  She tells him that if  married Luke, I would be cheatin' on Daddy.  Geez, really?

I also wrote that Luke loves puzzles, loves cars and likes to help me cook and wash dishes (knowing good and well that he likes playing in the water best of all). 

Although I know the meeting is the best thing for all of us, it really just feels like a 6 to 1 meeting and I was definitely the minority.  I felt like the only Wolfpack Fan at a Tarheel game....and I was wearing RED. 

They did try to make me feel okay, but I'm just so worried and stressed and so feeling like I could've and should've done more for my little guy. 

I do have to say that Luke is fighting an uphill battle.  He has so many little things weighing in against him......I feel for him and this fight until he gets his diploma or GED...My biggest want for Luke is that he will be able to live independently one day, but I'm prepared to take care of him for the rest of my days.  I couldn't ask for a sweeter, happier, more loving little boy.

I'm really proud of Luke.  He goes to school everyday without complaint.  He tells me some days that "I couldn't keep up with the boys on the playground today".  He almost looks forward to rainy days because they don't go outside.  I think other kids may pick and ridicule him some because he moves slower, or at least different in their eyes. 

Luke wants to have friends but has such a hard time making friends and keeping them.  He is somewhat of a loner.

My biggest WANT is that I will be able to pay off some bills, so I can either work parttime or quit so I can homeschool my children.  (yeah, right--if you saw my stack-o-bills, you would literally laugh out loud at that statement).  I don't know any other way to avoid the heartbreak that I feel today.  I don't want my kids compared to other kids, especially when mine have come from totally different circumstances. (warning:  mama on a soap box)  Luke was 3 years old when he came home from India.  He has been with me for 5 years.  He didn't speak English when he came here.  He had crossed eyes.  He couldn't see, couldn't walk well and just needed a whole lotta loving. 

He now speaks fluent English (has for years), he has had eye surgery, he wore orthopedic boots to help him walk better, he wore an eye patch for 2 years.  He has endured so very much for an 8-year-old.  And that is what I couldn't even bring myself to say in this meeting.  I just excused myself, walked into the hallway and had myself a cry fest.  Yep, sure did. I eventually went back into the room (all eyes on me) and finished the meeting.  They closed the meeting, thank the Lord and we plan to meet again soon.  Hopefully, I can be a better spokesperson for my child next time.  I may just have to write it in a letter and give them all a copy. 

The funny thing about this is.....I told Darrell no way he was going into this meeting because he would get upset and cry.....go figure!

Thanks for letting me vent here blog buddies, I needed it.

Until next posting or until the trumpet calls (I for one am wishing Jesus would come back before the next meeting at school because Luke will not need any special help once he enters the gates of Heaven).

Love,
Cindy

I just don't know

I want to know what my future holds.  I want to know if I'm doing the right thing.  Should I be working full time or staying home with my kids?  What is the right answer?  I just don't know.

Most of the time, I'm happy or at least satisfied with my life.  I usually love my life.  But, this week--I'm tired, no, I'm exhausted.  I'm tired of the laundry, the dishes, the sweeping, the mopping, the cleaning, the wiping, the changing the diapers, the making the beds, the tying the shoes, reading the books, the shopping, the cooking, the working 8-5, the clipping of the coupons.  Do you ever just need a minute?

And then there's the combination of three very different children. 

(1) My 9-year-old who thinks she is grown and wants to sass me every other sentence.  God please help her focus and use that voice for good in this world.  I know my Emy is going to do great things.  And God help me to be kind and gentle in my responses to her because you cannot win by dishing back dirt.  I don't like the girl she is on some days but I love the child she is always. Does that make sense?  Drama seems to follow her.  Please pray for us as we enter double digits.  She will be 10 in November.  Will things get better or worse?  I just don't know.

(2) My 7-year-old who has sensory processing issues.  Is he autistic?  Maybe.  He does have a mild case of cerebral palsy and periventricular leukomalacia.  Is this his problem?  Is he mentally with us?  Sometimes, I just want to curl up and sleep it off.  Instead, I hug, speak softly as I can and try not to explode during his "spells".  My Luke is a special little fella.  I love him so much. He started Kindergarten this year, yep, he's 7.  I am so hoping that he is ready for this MAJOR step in life.  I just hope and pray every day that he has a great day.  I am trying so hard to make this boy independent.  I worry about him daily, that he has caused no HAVOC, that he has hit no one, has been sweet.  Is he going to succeed at this Kindergarten thing?  I just don't know.

(3) My 1-year-old has my attitude, my chubbiness, and my stubbornness. Really?  But she is also the sweetest baby I've ever been around.  Thank you God for blessing me with this sweet baby who just hugs me for no reason and says "lub you".  She has the sweetest kisses EVER!  God knew what he was doing even if we didn't!  She will be 2 in November. She is really fun right now.   Will the fun last?  Will the 2's kick in?  I just don't know.

So, I have the best combination of kids ever.  They are sweet and sour just like kids should be.  Do they fight?  Yep.  Do they yell, scream and argue?  Yep.  In the end, it doesn't really matter.  I will love them forever with as much as I can.  Sometimes I wonder how this thing called love can penetrate so deeply.  But it does.  And I'm so thankful!

You know, if motherhood was a job, it would truly stink. The pay and the hours are not good.

But then there are all those benefits...

the hugs

the kisses

the "I love yous"

the "dub yous"

the handfuls of dandelions

the mud pies

the snuggling

the cuddling

the squeals

the fun

the tickles

the shouts

the laughter

the smiles

the love

The pros definitely outweigh the cons.

Yep, it's gonna be alright.  I'm gonna keep on trucking.  I am gonna be the best mom I can be.  I'm gonna sleep when I can, play when I should be cleaning, read when I should be scrubbing, chase when I should be worrying, and hug them every single chance I get.  Because I only have one chance at this motherhood thing.

It's all worth it.  In the end, it doesn't matter about all the rough patches and tough spots.  It's about what I'm doing right now, loving my family the best way I can.  And I don't have to know everything.  I'm gonna let go and let God lead for a while.  I'm tuckered out.  Why don't you join me?

Until next post,
Cindy

SUMMER

BLESSED and a little STRESSED

Just sitting here thinking how blessed I am.  I watched that movie "Letters to God" tonight and even though it was very sweet, heartfelt, and Christian-based, it just really made me sad.  There is a fairly new young couple who is going to my church now and they recently lost a son to complications from a brain tumor.  I think that just stinks.  It is just so sad.  God has really touched them and strenghthened them and they are pushing forward.  They have two other children which helps keep them busy I'm sure. But, still.  I just don't know how they do it.  I am fully aware that God will give them the will and power to go on.  I'm proud of the way they are holding up. I'm sure they have moments of weakness and self pity, who wouldn't?  When Luke found out that "T" passed away, he said "He went to see Jesus before me, Mama".  Will Jesus hug me when I get to Heaven?  What will Heaven smell like?

My sweet Luke!  I love his sweet little heart.  I told him that Jesus would absolutely hug him and that Heaven would probably smell very good.  Then we started talking about our favorite smells.  Luke is closer to God than most.  He is the most trusting soul I know.  Talking with Luke is a gift.  one on one.  I love it (most of the time).  Sometimes he can ramble a bit, but what kid can't?

Emy & Luke told me this evening that they want us to adopt 3 more kids.  Really?  Emy wants another boy from India, another girl from India, and still yet another boy from China.  She already has them named.  Go figure.  Luke just dittos everything Emy says. 

Summer is just flying by.  We have been unbelievably busy!  I'm working full time and Emy is staying with her favorite person.  Darrell quit a very stressful job and started a mechanic job with a tree company. He is loving it.  He has some aches and pains and hurts that he is not used to, but he is getting used to it.  I am having a very hard time adjusting to this new job.  It is longer hours and he is not allowed to bring the kids inside of the company truck.  That means he cannot pick up or drop off any of the kids to or from work, school, or anything. 

And he is on a different pay schedule.  My mind can take only so much, you know?  I know, its age talking, but come on!

Luke is scheduled to start Kindergarten next month!  WOW!  Emy is to start 4th grade.  Tessa will be 2  years old in November. 

Where. 

does. 

the. 

time. 

go?

Emy has been to  a week long gymnastics day camp.  She has redone her room into an NC State Wolfpack room!  We all love it.  She is wanting a waterbed.  If she will sleep in her room, I say "let's do it". We are going tomorrow to look at a waterbed we found on craigs list.  Hopefully the price will be right. :)

Miss Tessa is growing so fast.  She is walking, talking, jabbering, running, trying to keep up with the big kids.  She loves popsicles, crushed ice, sweet tea, milk, chocolate milk, grits, eggs, chicken, ravioli, cheese, yogurt and chocolate pudding.  Did I mention pop tarts?  And apples, oranges, bananas, pears and peaches.  And green beans and pintos?  This girl can eat!!!

Please remain in prayer for me and Darrell, that I can cope with his new job and my new responsibilities.  Thank you bloggy friends.

Until next post,
Cindy

Easter pictures, 1-year pictures and spring school pictures

Words are not necessary, right?

HAPPY 4th GOTCHA DAY LUKE!!

Luke, taking a break from sucking his thumb :)
Goofing off.

Riding his "motorcycle"

At the state fair with Emy & Maggie

Swings and smiles!

Christmas present from Ma & Pa with the siblings and cousins

First picture I EVER saw of Luke. The one I fell for. This is my 2nd miracle, y'all.

I have a total of 3.

Still in India, waiting for Daddy to pick him up. Yes, he's wearing pink.

TOUGH JOB--BIG BROTHER AND LITTLE BROTHER TO THESE TWO.

He had been home 1 day when this picture was taken.

HAPPY GOTCHA DAY TO MY FAVORITE FELLA.

Well, it's been 4 years since that wonderful day when Luke entered my life. And made it so much better. Emy & Tessa could not ask for a sweeter brother. He has a tough job. He is a BIG brother and a LITTLE brother.

Luke--you changed my life forever. And I thank God for you. Every. Single. Day.

You have brought us many challenges, some fears and concerns, but most importantly you gave us your WHOLE HEART. And you will forever will be my baby boy.

And that smile of yours? It gets me every time. I love you Luke McCoy Swarnadip Oakley to the moon & back many times over.

I love you more than you love cars & toys. I love you more than you love my cooking. I love you more than you love the Wiggles. You are so special to us.

WE LOVE YOU!!!!!

HAPPY #8 GOTCHA DAY EMY!!!

Luke holding a puppy and Tessa wanting to.
My three kiddos.

Sisters

Luke wanted ice cream instead of cake for his bday party. with chunks of peaches :)

We went out to eat Mexican food for Luke's bday too!

HAPPY GOTCHA DAY EMY LOU!!!

SMILEY

RIDIN THE 4 WHEELER THAT CRISTIAN GOT FOR CHRISTMAS

WALKING AROUND!

LUKE GOT A BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS!

Well, can you believe it? My sweet little 9-year-old dumplin has been home with us for 8 years already! She started this love affair of children that we have. I told Darrell tonight that I didn't think any more children would cause any more chaos in this house, that we need to adopt at least 2 more. LOL!!

I have names picked out for a boy and a girl....don't get your hopes up yet, because we do not have the funding for this. We haven't even thought about it real hard yet. But, it did come right out of my mouth....HAHA! I think Darrell is gonna take my Internet from me. To try to keep me from these adoption sites....yeah, right!

So, Emy has been home for 8 years. She is the smartest, sweetest, sharpest, prettiest 9-year-old girl that I know. We are so blessed by her being a part of our family. She makes us the complete unit that I know we are meant to be.

She took in some Indian money, parts of her scrap book, and several pictures to show to her class today and she shared with them a little about being adopted from India. I am so proud of her. When someone asks her why her parents are white, she just answers "I'm adopted, Silly".

You know we do have a white baby now....and the other FOUR sweet brown kids in my life have threatened to tell HER that she is the adopted one :) go figure.

She will probably believe them. Our future is looking bright, folks. Darrell and I still have jobs, with health insurance and we live in a house with a little bit of land. We do drive very old vehicles, but they get us from point A to point B and that is really all that matters.

We had a beautiful Christmas. I had the WHOLE week off to spend with my babies and I enjoyed every. single. minute.

Can't wait until summer when I'm planning on taking my very first 2-weeks vacation to one of our NC beaches.....woohoo!

I will leave you with pictures from our Christmas/birthday/gotcha day celebrations..ENJOY!

Until next time,

Cindy