I just don't know

I want to know what my future holds.  I want to know if I'm doing the right thing.  Should I be working full time or staying home with my kids?  What is the right answer?  I just don't know.

Most of the time, I'm happy or at least satisfied with my life.  I usually love my life.  But, this week--I'm tired, no, I'm exhausted.  I'm tired of the laundry, the dishes, the sweeping, the mopping, the cleaning, the wiping, the changing the diapers, the making the beds, the tying the shoes, reading the books, the shopping, the cooking, the working 8-5, the clipping of the coupons.  Do you ever just need a minute?

And then there's the combination of three very different children. 

(1) My 9-year-old who thinks she is grown and wants to sass me every other sentence.  God please help her focus and use that voice for good in this world.  I know my Emy is going to do great things.  And God help me to be kind and gentle in my responses to her because you cannot win by dishing back dirt.  I don't like the girl she is on some days but I love the child she is always. Does that make sense?  Drama seems to follow her.  Please pray for us as we enter double digits.  She will be 10 in November.  Will things get better or worse?  I just don't know.

(2) My 7-year-old who has sensory processing issues.  Is he autistic?  Maybe.  He does have a mild case of cerebral palsy and periventricular leukomalacia.  Is this his problem?  Is he mentally with us?  Sometimes, I just want to curl up and sleep it off.  Instead, I hug, speak softly as I can and try not to explode during his "spells".  My Luke is a special little fella.  I love him so much. He started Kindergarten this year, yep, he's 7.  I am so hoping that he is ready for this MAJOR step in life.  I just hope and pray every day that he has a great day.  I am trying so hard to make this boy independent.  I worry about him daily, that he has caused no HAVOC, that he has hit no one, has been sweet.  Is he going to succeed at this Kindergarten thing?  I just don't know.

(3) My 1-year-old has my attitude, my chubbiness, and my stubbornness. Really?  But she is also the sweetest baby I've ever been around.  Thank you God for blessing me with this sweet baby who just hugs me for no reason and says "lub you".  She has the sweetest kisses EVER!  God knew what he was doing even if we didn't!  She will be 2 in November. She is really fun right now.   Will the fun last?  Will the 2's kick in?  I just don't know.

So, I have the best combination of kids ever.  They are sweet and sour just like kids should be.  Do they fight?  Yep.  Do they yell, scream and argue?  Yep.  In the end, it doesn't really matter.  I will love them forever with as much as I can.  Sometimes I wonder how this thing called love can penetrate so deeply.  But it does.  And I'm so thankful!

You know, if motherhood was a job, it would truly stink. The pay and the hours are not good.

But then there are all those benefits...

the hugs

the kisses

the "I love yous"

the "dub yous"

the handfuls of dandelions

the mud pies

the snuggling

the cuddling

the squeals

the fun

the tickles

the shouts

the laughter

the smiles

the love

The pros definitely outweigh the cons.

Yep, it's gonna be alright.  I'm gonna keep on trucking.  I am gonna be the best mom I can be.  I'm gonna sleep when I can, play when I should be cleaning, read when I should be scrubbing, chase when I should be worrying, and hug them every single chance I get.  Because I only have one chance at this motherhood thing.

It's all worth it.  In the end, it doesn't matter about all the rough patches and tough spots.  It's about what I'm doing right now, loving my family the best way I can.  And I don't have to know everything.  I'm gonna let go and let God lead for a while.  I'm tuckered out.  Why don't you join me?

Until next post,
Cindy